i was just thinking, lately a lot of my posts have been about the regrets i have.. well something has come to cheer me up.. and well. that's all i'm sharing now.
feeling a little bit more like me day by day.. getting the sparks in me back.. now if i can just get this ugly tummy off then i'd be just fine and dandy and will be on my way...
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
keeping my mouth shut
there were decisions that i made that i thought were the best. nobody tried to influence me. nobody helped. well, nobody could. or at least the one who actually could, kept his mouth shut for fear of influencing and holding back.
when should we give advice and when should we not? do we have to wait until we are asked? or do we just give it, and hope that he/ she would get something out of it?
it scares me to think. i left my home awhile back for a job that offered basically more money, chance to travel, broaden experience and all that. nobody said anything to make me hesitate. not my parents. not my fiance then. i thought i was making the right decision. seriously, i didn't need the money. my career was doing great. i just thought well why not. im coming back. but nobody said anything about how things might change. they were afraid to hold me back. at the same time, they never let me feel that well.. that they dont really want me to go, that they want me with them. i wish they said something. maybe i was old enough to take my own risks, make my own decisions. but they never presented additional considerations that i should have thought about. maybe they trusted me, that i know what i was doing. i should have known. but i didn't. they didn't voice out their fears. i didn't feel that those fears were real.
i seriously don't know if they said anything, if it would have change anything. if i would have stayed. if i would have thought about it more thoroughly. if i had been more conscious of what i was actually doing.
i didn't want to change anything. i loved my life. right now, if there was a period where i could go back, that would have been it. the best time of my life was before i left.
now, i make my feelings known. unwanted or not. irrelevant or not. i will put it out there. i will not let a day pass that the people who matter to me do not know how i feel about them. for all we know i could be dead the next second.
when should we give advice and when should we not? do we have to wait until we are asked? or do we just give it, and hope that he/ she would get something out of it?
it scares me to think. i left my home awhile back for a job that offered basically more money, chance to travel, broaden experience and all that. nobody said anything to make me hesitate. not my parents. not my fiance then. i thought i was making the right decision. seriously, i didn't need the money. my career was doing great. i just thought well why not. im coming back. but nobody said anything about how things might change. they were afraid to hold me back. at the same time, they never let me feel that well.. that they dont really want me to go, that they want me with them. i wish they said something. maybe i was old enough to take my own risks, make my own decisions. but they never presented additional considerations that i should have thought about. maybe they trusted me, that i know what i was doing. i should have known. but i didn't. they didn't voice out their fears. i didn't feel that those fears were real.
i seriously don't know if they said anything, if it would have change anything. if i would have stayed. if i would have thought about it more thoroughly. if i had been more conscious of what i was actually doing.
i didn't want to change anything. i loved my life. right now, if there was a period where i could go back, that would have been it. the best time of my life was before i left.
now, i make my feelings known. unwanted or not. irrelevant or not. i will put it out there. i will not let a day pass that the people who matter to me do not know how i feel about them. for all we know i could be dead the next second.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
its freezing
you know when they say when it rains, it pours? seem to be happening to my family lately.
my cousin cherry, got pregnant right after graduation. the guy was not even finished with his degree. they got married. now my cousin lives in malaysia. her husband in the philippines. they have 2 daughters. they are at her mother's, being taken care of by her mom and sister. i don't know how they are faring.
then there is me. well i was happily engaged. an opportunity for adventure knocked and led me right here in bermuda. i had every intention of going back. but guess what.. i went too far and fell off the adventure boat.. i got knocked up, had twins and got married. right. in that same order.
and then my father. well. that is another thing. i am still in bermuda. there raised an issue about his fidelity. before that was resolved, he was diagnosed with angio sarcoma, a rare cancer. he passed away in november.
i just heard this the other day. my other cousin christine and her boyfriend was planning to have a civil wedding early this year. her father opposed the idea. (really, i do not understand why they have to go the civil route when they can go straight to the church.) anyway, a week before the supposed civil wedding date, the guy had a heart attack and had to undergo angioplasty. now what do you do in that situation?
also my brother apparently had a lump in his throat. so did my mom. i don't know what happened if they even went to get a post checkup to see if there is something to be worried about or not. gaah.
and then there's me. and my issues, drama and concerns.
the state of the economy is not making any of these any better either.
my cousin cherry, got pregnant right after graduation. the guy was not even finished with his degree. they got married. now my cousin lives in malaysia. her husband in the philippines. they have 2 daughters. they are at her mother's, being taken care of by her mom and sister. i don't know how they are faring.
then there is me. well i was happily engaged. an opportunity for adventure knocked and led me right here in bermuda. i had every intention of going back. but guess what.. i went too far and fell off the adventure boat.. i got knocked up, had twins and got married. right. in that same order.
and then my father. well. that is another thing. i am still in bermuda. there raised an issue about his fidelity. before that was resolved, he was diagnosed with angio sarcoma, a rare cancer. he passed away in november.
i just heard this the other day. my other cousin christine and her boyfriend was planning to have a civil wedding early this year. her father opposed the idea. (really, i do not understand why they have to go the civil route when they can go straight to the church.) anyway, a week before the supposed civil wedding date, the guy had a heart attack and had to undergo angioplasty. now what do you do in that situation?
also my brother apparently had a lump in his throat. so did my mom. i don't know what happened if they even went to get a post checkup to see if there is something to be worried about or not. gaah.
and then there's me. and my issues, drama and concerns.
the state of the economy is not making any of these any better either.
Monday, January 12, 2009
movies and music
i seriously cannot recall the last time i enjoyed watching movie. the last time i watched a movie was on a plane. i actually watch more movies on a plane than off one. haha. i used to enjoy watching movies a lot. i go every week. now, i don't think i've seen the inside of a movie theatre in a year.
same with music. i don't listen to any. i don't even watch MTV, which used to be my favorite channel here, and even MYXX (similar to MTV) when i was still in the Philippines.
i've been actually quite mean, and super critical of others, including my friends. nothing seems to be good enough anymore.
same with music. i don't listen to any. i don't even watch MTV, which used to be my favorite channel here, and even MYXX (similar to MTV) when i was still in the Philippines.
i've been actually quite mean, and super critical of others, including my friends. nothing seems to be good enough anymore.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
hooked
i feel like i've lost my spirit, my zest for life, living and dreaming for more. all i wanna do is get by. as much as they say, if you don't like what you have, do something about it, its tough. the action plans that i want seems too drastic, and for others, even downright crazy.
its saturday. back then, any day, nobody would catch me at home. i was always doing something, or going somewhere. now. today. i was at home the whole day. i could've gone to town to window shop. i didn't. i could've hang out at my girls' place. i didn't. i didn't feel like doing anything. feels like there's is no escaping what is.
hmm. this blog is getting more personal than it used to be. i suppose i could share about the joys and trials of motherhood as well.
for my depression, i got hooked on purchasing designer purses. no rationale. i admit its crazy to spend that much for purses, especially when you convert the $$ to PHP and you realize what better use you can do with that money. but what the hell.
i like manila. i love visiting. and i hate visiting. love - oh that's all too easy. ask every OFW... hate. HAHA. i'm not referring to the heat, traffic and pollution, mind you. Manila reminds me of everything that was. And i don't want to be reminded or think about that. That might send me for sure to Alcoholics Anonymous (i've taken to drinking - finished a glass of Merlot. now on a glass of Pinot Noir) and a phsychiatrist or suicide. None of which are positive options for everyone.
So, back to positive thoughts. HAHA. I'm eyeing the newly launched Stephen Sprouse Neverfull Roses in MM. Eyeing. Because at the end of the day, I seem to still prefer the Damier NF in MM. And then they're releasing the Graffiti next month. $$$$. Oh well. its my money. if i can't get anything else that i want, might as well have the next best thing, i say. I should really get something Roses though.
its saturday. back then, any day, nobody would catch me at home. i was always doing something, or going somewhere. now. today. i was at home the whole day. i could've gone to town to window shop. i didn't. i could've hang out at my girls' place. i didn't. i didn't feel like doing anything. feels like there's is no escaping what is.
hmm. this blog is getting more personal than it used to be. i suppose i could share about the joys and trials of motherhood as well.
for my depression, i got hooked on purchasing designer purses. no rationale. i admit its crazy to spend that much for purses, especially when you convert the $$ to PHP and you realize what better use you can do with that money. but what the hell.
i like manila. i love visiting. and i hate visiting. love - oh that's all too easy. ask every OFW... hate. HAHA. i'm not referring to the heat, traffic and pollution, mind you. Manila reminds me of everything that was. And i don't want to be reminded or think about that. That might send me for sure to Alcoholics Anonymous (i've taken to drinking - finished a glass of Merlot. now on a glass of Pinot Noir) and a phsychiatrist or suicide. None of which are positive options for everyone.
So, back to positive thoughts. HAHA. I'm eyeing the newly launched Stephen Sprouse Neverfull Roses in MM. Eyeing. Because at the end of the day, I seem to still prefer the Damier NF in MM. And then they're releasing the Graffiti next month. $$$$. Oh well. its my money. if i can't get anything else that i want, might as well have the next best thing, i say. I should really get something Roses though.
2009 na..
its been a long time since i've posted. a really long time.
i suppose i find it easier to share my thoughts and dreams when everything seems to be what i want them to be, harder when i am in a place and i'm not even sure i want. how i got here, i suppose i took a turn somewhere, made that life-changing decision and didn't realize it.
as a quick update, i am still an OFW. Have been for the past 3.5 years. Married, and with twin boys.
turning 30 in less than a month. wow. a milestone. i have hoped for so much by the time i was 30. i accomplished stuff that wasn't on my list, and stuff on my list are still on the list...
i have a lot of whys. why do people blog. why do some people like everything designer. why am i here. why do certain things happen. i was listening to the radio early this morning and a caller was telling the radio host to stop overanalyzing stop, open his heart, view whatever his situation is from a 3rd person perspective and have a positive outlook. can people really just do that? i admit that for certain situations where i feel frustrated and can't really do anything about, i would try to do that just to get away from it. but it always haunts me back, because i don't agree with it in principle in first place.
admittedly, this post is disorganized. i have a lot going on, and like its been said, its been awhile and this blog seems to need some catching up.
lets just deal with my day today. i am in a country, where you already sign up your unborn or newly born child to a pediatrician, a nursery/daycare, kindergarten and primary school so that you can be put on a waitlist. i've heard most people, particularly the locals saying that the public school is crap, except for 1 or 2. and that they wouldn't send their child, if they have one, there. and then i asked about the cost of a private primary school (grade 1). its $16,000++ not including the after school program (schools finish at 230 and we have to work until at least 5. kids have to be somewhere, right?). this does not include any summer camp, easter break camp, or december holiday camp. i mean seriously. working as an expat with no family, it is a constant challenge to make sure your kid is elsewhere whenever you have work and their nursery is closed. and can you imagine paying twice the amount for having twins??????
it all went downhill after that. i couldn't even bring myself to order dessert, buy a chocolate bar or a cup of coffee.
another nagging thought in my mind, should i consider a divorce?
oh its 2009. my 1st resolution was to be POSITIVE and LESS CRITICAL of OTHERS. 2nd would be to activate this blog.. now how am i being positive when i occasionally think about divorce???
i suppose i find it easier to share my thoughts and dreams when everything seems to be what i want them to be, harder when i am in a place and i'm not even sure i want. how i got here, i suppose i took a turn somewhere, made that life-changing decision and didn't realize it.
as a quick update, i am still an OFW. Have been for the past 3.5 years. Married, and with twin boys.
turning 30 in less than a month. wow. a milestone. i have hoped for so much by the time i was 30. i accomplished stuff that wasn't on my list, and stuff on my list are still on the list...
i have a lot of whys. why do people blog. why do some people like everything designer. why am i here. why do certain things happen. i was listening to the radio early this morning and a caller was telling the radio host to stop overanalyzing stop, open his heart, view whatever his situation is from a 3rd person perspective and have a positive outlook. can people really just do that? i admit that for certain situations where i feel frustrated and can't really do anything about, i would try to do that just to get away from it. but it always haunts me back, because i don't agree with it in principle in first place.
admittedly, this post is disorganized. i have a lot going on, and like its been said, its been awhile and this blog seems to need some catching up.
lets just deal with my day today. i am in a country, where you already sign up your unborn or newly born child to a pediatrician, a nursery/daycare, kindergarten and primary school so that you can be put on a waitlist. i've heard most people, particularly the locals saying that the public school is crap, except for 1 or 2. and that they wouldn't send their child, if they have one, there. and then i asked about the cost of a private primary school (grade 1). its $16,000++ not including the after school program (schools finish at 230 and we have to work until at least 5. kids have to be somewhere, right?). this does not include any summer camp, easter break camp, or december holiday camp. i mean seriously. working as an expat with no family, it is a constant challenge to make sure your kid is elsewhere whenever you have work and their nursery is closed. and can you imagine paying twice the amount for having twins??????
it all went downhill after that. i couldn't even bring myself to order dessert, buy a chocolate bar or a cup of coffee.
another nagging thought in my mind, should i consider a divorce?
oh its 2009. my 1st resolution was to be POSITIVE and LESS CRITICAL of OTHERS. 2nd would be to activate this blog.. now how am i being positive when i occasionally think about divorce???
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